The Old Man in the Mountain and Other Stories by Fairbanks

Author:Fairbanks [Fairbanks]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781452511504
Publisher: BalboaPressAU
Published: 2013-10-04T00:00:00+00:00

How’s your alveoli?

Don’t you just hate it

when your doctor

tells you that the x-ray test results

show you have a problem with your

alveoli.

Damn!

Who’d ’ve thought.

A problem with my alveoli?

—ravioli, tortellini, rigatoni—

Blocked alveoli? Who? Me!?

I’ve only been smokin’ for 40 years…

And, then, of course

discussion turns

to the M word,

that’s

M for Zema.

Hmmm… not good.

Who’d’ve thought.

(pause)

So, no dark spots?

No, C word?

Well, that’s something, ain’t it.

It’s a good idea,

if you’re not especially mechanically minded,

to take your car in for a thorough 100-point check

once every few years;

goodness! the list of defaults is two pages,

and will cost you your next two month’s salary;

that is, until they find something else wrong.

Time for a change-over.

Let’s go visit the caryard.

And,

Every now and then

you have to run that forestalled Upgrade program

on your computer

and Restart afresh.

One day

you’ll be able to just Google

‘new lungs’

and there will be pages and pages of possibilities

to choose from:

marathon runner’s massive lung capacity

Tibetan monk’s pearly-pinks, never exposed to air pollution

20 year old athlete’s alveoli—80 year guarantee

never-been-used, grown in the lab from choice stem-cells

. . .

“Your heart-health rating

shows an 8% chance of heart disease

in the next ten years.”

Hmmm… not good…

but, that means 92% chance of no heart disease?

Doesn’t sound so bad.

“Carburettor’s stuffed, mate;

. . . you’re only firing on 3 cylinders;

. . . head’s cracked.”

Mr Mechanic, is it time

for a new engine altogether?

“The cumulative culmination

of all our tests, sir,

is 387.”

(pause)

Sounds high… Good, eh?

“It’s a 1000 point scale.”

Hmmm… maybe not so good…

387. My Cumulative Culmination Score.

Well, I’ll be damned

I didn’t know that.

Thanks Doc.

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